Mental health battles suck, and the stigma is real.   I have been battling with my mental health for the past year or so, and took a break from X (Twitter) and NFTs in 2023.  I hope that this story finds the right person, so here it is (so far). Warning - possible triggers ahead:

 

Firstly, I love the Pudgy Penguins and the entire NFT community, but I had to step away from my identity as “Pierre” for a bit and truly focus on getting better.  As much as “I am my penguin and my penguin is me” stands true, the person behind the penguin (or any NFT),  matters a whole lot more.  I’ve always been an optimistic, genuinely happy person, loving all the challenges of life - but suddenly everything changed.  Back in mid July, it felt like a switch flipped in me, starting with what I believe was some sort of panic attack.  Life thereafter felt plastic, almost meaningless.  I felt completely isolated in my thoughts and experiences.  I found myself having existential crises at the smallest of things, causing extremely high anxiety at almost every waking moment. I experienced symptoms of extremely high anxiety - derealization almost 24/7, burning skin sensations, endless racing thoughts, etc.  I genuinely felt as though I was going crazy.  How could I possibly be sane experiencing these things?  I felt almost hopeless, as if life couldn’t return to normal.  I began to fall into a depressive state, comorbidly with the anxiety.  I deleted social medias, since I found a lot of triggers in the content and experience that it provides.  My overall feelings of “unwellness” started off relatively mild, and grew much worse over the course of a month, until it got to the point that it was so crippling that I decided to… tell my girlfriend.  I opened up about it.  I was scared, because I felt like I was truly going crazy, but I opened up about it.  The days following, I told my parents and my roommate, and received nothing but support from them.  I was scared, because I didn’t know how it would be received, I didn’t know if they would understand.  I found nothing but love and acceptance.  I was hoping that opening up would solve my problem, or at least alleviate some of the anxiety.  It didn’t.  The week after I opened up, I experienced my lowest point - I questioned everything I was doing, questioned life, etc.  I still held onto hope for my future, and hope in my religion, but I had so many doubts that I’d ever return to “normal”, and felt more anxious and depressed than ever.  I knew I had to seek professional help.  The first thing I did as I awaited an appointment with a therapist was a simple physical and mental examination at a local clinic, so I could receive a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication.  I started on that prescription, and a few days later, I met with a therapist for the first time in my life.  Some context on myself:  I’m a former D1 athlete (retired from 20 years of athletics in June), an aerospace engineering masters student with a BSE in mechanical engineering, and I’ve always felt perfectly “normal”, and you could even say “tough”.  I had never imagined myself seeing a therapist, but that’s exactly what I did.  Along with speaking to a therapist and having more conversations with those closest to me, as I mentioned before, I received a basic anti-anxiety medication (an SSRI).  I thought, “How could anything possibly help? How does this medicine even work?  How does anything work…” Just constant racing thoughts, but I still trusted the process, holding onto the hope of feeling “normal” again.  I trusted the process.  Even at my lowest, I held out hope that something would help.  Even if I only experienced 5 minutes of normalcy a day, those 5 minutes are still worth living.  Over the course of the next couple weeks, I began to experience better moments, more and more each day.  It’s been a little over a month since I first sought professional help, going on two now - I’m still not back to 100%.  Maybe 95%, maybe 80%, some days it may even be 50%, it’s just hard to say.  Each week is better and better, and having had an amazing support system has helped me tremendously, along with my own optimism to get better.  Not everyone has that optimism and support system.  You, the person reading this, might not have that.  If that’s the case, just know that you are NOT alone in your experiences, even if your brain is telling you that you are.  Mental health struggles are so isolating, I know.  For me, just hearing stories of battles from those around me helped me to feel so much less alone.  I met random people who had their own battles.  People around me opened up about their battles and loved ones’ battles.  You are NOT alone.  So many people experience battles with mental health, and it’s incredible how many people may be experiencing these things without anyone else knowing.  If that is you - please reach out to me.  You can keep it completely anonymous (yopierrenft@gmail.com).  Just know that you are loved, and your life is so, so incredibly valuable.  That’s something I’ve come to learn over the past couple weeks.  You only get to experience this truly confusing, complicated, yet beautiful world one time - let’s find some ways to enjoy it.  If you’re reading this and you feel like you’re in a good place with your mental health, please check on your loved ones.  It will never hurt to show genuine compassion through checking up on someone’s mental health - no one in their right mind would get offended by an outward expression of your love toward them. And aside from your friends and family, honestly, check up on strangers every once in a while too.  You have know idea how much connection with a stranger can help when you’re feeling isolated - it is a grounding and valuable experience.  Community is so incredibly important in finding relief from your own mind.  With all that being said, I am back.  For a while, I had to step away from my identity as “Pierre”, but at least for now I’m back. I may not be as frequent on X or in the Pudgy Penguins Discord as I once have been, but I am now reachable again.  I am working on myself every day, and working towards becoming fully immersed in my school work, social life, and religion again.  Please feel free to share this in order to spread awareness on mental health.  I want nothing more than to help others with their battles, and genuinely hope that this is able to help at least one person.  The stigma around opening up about your battles is all too real.  Men and women alike, but especially in men.  It does not make you lesser - if anything, opening up about something in order to keep moving forward truly shows the value in your life.

 

Every day is a gift.  If you’re reading this and want to make a change, just know you’re already winning. By striving to get better, you’re already overcoming your battles.  Hold onto that hope.  Even if it doesn’t seem possible, a better day will come.

 

You can’t get rid of me that easily, God is on my side.  I’ve still got a story to tell, and a lot of hearts to help.

 

I love you all, and as always,

Pierre. ❤️